I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
