Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Your mouth is God's brothel.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
