Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
