Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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