Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
