i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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