When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
