the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
