oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
