Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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