Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
