i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
