batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
