he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
