dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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