The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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