mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
