Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
