you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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