Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
