It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
