i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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