mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
