Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
