i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
