I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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