They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Randomize
