So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
