Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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