My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
