The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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