i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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