I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
