I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
