You really coming over, don't trick.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Is Oprah even human
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
