my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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