Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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