just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
