I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
