didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
