there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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