So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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