if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
