My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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