I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
