I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
you had me at cake vodka
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
