then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
