so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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