Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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