he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
